Karma
by RaB
Summary: COMPLETE Final chapter is a post-"Chosen" reflection from the POVs of Dawn and Buffy. Mild Kennedy bashing in this chapter and major in the first. And I mean come on... who doesn't love some Kennedy bashing? ;)
1. Karma 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. unfortunately. LOL. All characters belong to Mutant Enemy (Grr... Argh...), Fox, Joss Whedon, etc...  
  
Summary: I'm just so sick of Kennedy thinking she's all that and a bag of chips that I decided to write a little ficlet that would just put the brat in her place (Oh the fun!!!). This is the way things should have gone in the kitchen scene in "Get it Done."  
  
Spoilers: Through "Get it Done"  
  
Feedback: Yes, please! I'd love to hear from y'all about how much you also hate Kennedy. ;-)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
KARMA  
  
Kennedy stormed into the kitchen behind Xander and Willow. She stood as she usually did: arms crossed petulantly with a smug look plastered on her face. She cocked an eyebrow at the group and wordlessly told them what she was thinking. At that point, they were sitting ducks until Buffy got back. But that didn't mean they didn't have to figure out a way to get Buffy back.  
  
Spike strutted in after a few minutes over what Kennedy felt was pointless bickering until finally Anya came up with a useful suggestion. The potential added a snarky comment hear and there, more or less to be ignored by her superiors. She got angrier by the second with all the not being heard. She wasn't used to this of course, she was used to living in a house where she was attended to and treated like a princess... no, not a princess... a queen. Why should that be any different here?  
  
She saw Spike heading for the door and she figured that he was as good a person as any to take out her anger and frustration on.  
  
"Where the hell are you going?" She asked, her voice thick with hatred. She did hate him, of course. Why shouldn't she? He was an evil thing. Soul or no soul, he was still a vampire. He was still the enemy.  
  
"Out," he replied. His voice was just as catlike as his movements. "Got something I need to take care of."  
  
"Oh, take care of. I get it. The way you took care of that monster by getting your sorry ass thrown through the floor?"  
  
"Kennedy!" Willow scolded, not understanding the sudden outburst by her sort-of-girlfriend.  
  
"You got something to say?" Spike asked as he advanced on the girl who was significantly shorter than he. The vampire hovered over her but she stood up to him as if he were nothing more than a fledgling.  
  
"Nothing more than I can't see you taking out that demon. Face it, like Buffy said, you're weak. You're no better than any of those poor girls cowering upstairs."  
  
"Learn you place," Spike commanded her coldly. "And speaking of the other girls, why aren't you upstairs there with them. What makes you so special that you're here running your mouth."  
  
Kennedy shot a glance at Willow and smiled a cocky grin at Spike, "she does."  
  
"Don't," the witch told her calmly but forcefully.  
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Don't pull me into this."  
  
Kennedy was hurt by Willow's words. She couldn't believe that she wouldn't back her up in this. "Fine," she said, "I can stand up for myself. I'm a big girl."  
  
"You are an arrogant little prat, aren't you?" Spike asked his rhetorical question with a sly smirk. "Do you have ANY idea who you are dealing with little girl?"  
  
"A cold blooded killer who shouldn't have the privilege of living in the house of the Slayer."  
  
"Oh... is that all I am to you? You have no idea what you are talking about."  
  
"I know enough," Kennedy told him knowingly, and she took a step forward in hopes to intimidate him maybe just a little. This was only because he was terrifying her and she couldn't let him know. Not now, she was in too deep.  
  
"You know nothing. You're a little rich girl who has been forced to the Hellmouth. You've been here all of two months and you have the audacity to comment on occurrences and situations you can't comprehend. You talk back to the Slayer when she's trying to put you in a place you need to find fast. And I swear, Kennedy, I will put you in your place if you don't find it fast."  
  
At this point, Willow and Dawn both decided it was intervention time. As if things weren't already out of hand enough. Dawn could see in Spike's eyes how angered he was by Kennedy's rude remarks. He hated being outranked. And he hated that a nineteen-year-old potential thought that she outranked him. Willow tried to talk Kennedy down while Dawn tried to calm Spike, but the opponents kept at it like the others weren't even there.  
  
"I see what you are," Kennedy told the vampire, "a whipped demon who can't fight for his own anymore. You're still a killer, Spike, I can see it in you eyes. Soul or no soul, we're all just dinner to you, aren't we?"  
  
"You see nothing," Spike told her coldly as he violently shook Dawn from his arm, "but I see it all on you. You think you're something great because some shaman or witch says you MIGHT be a Slayer someday. You are nothing. You are an arrogant little child who thinks she can amount to something by speaking to everyone like an inferior. All you are is a scared little girl. I can smell the fear on you right now."  
  
"Animal!"  
  
"Maybe. You never know with me can you? You never know if I'm good or evil or whom I love. You don't, but I do. I know very well what I am now. You see, perspective is something that comes with age. It's something you don't have. And maybe you will someday if you grow out of your little snit."  
  
"I am not in a snit. I just don't understand why everyone else can't just see you for what you really are. You're a killer, it's what you do, you kill."  
  
"I see it," Xander said to everyone's shock.  
  
"Oh lovely, so nancy boy has a few words. I didn't realize I asked for comments from the 'peanut gallery' in the first place but-"  
  
"You didn't let me finish," Xander told Spike calmly, and the vampire nodded for him to continue. "I see you the same way I did when you were trying to kill me in the school. I know you're a vampire, and I have in past occurrences proven to everyone that my views are pretty much black and white. I don't like you, Spike. As a matter of fact, there are few things I hate more than I hate you. And it's not like I've ever tried to hide this. But the strangest thing is, I'm willing to trust you. I think I do trust you. And you," he turned to Kennedy, "need to do the same. He is out ally whether any of us like it or not. Learn this, learn who your allies are fast or you might end up being the next body we find."  
  
"Is that a threat?"  
  
Xander smiled sardonically, "not by me."  
  
Kennedy turned to Willow once again for back up. "Are you going to let them talk to me like this?"  
  
"Yes," the witch told her plainly. "These are all things you need to hear, Kennedy. I'm not going to back you up every time you step out of line. And by the way, you are extremely out of line. I like you, Kennedy, A LOT, you know that I do. But I can't stand for the way you're behaving. It's childish. You think you see things that aren't there. You make false and unjustifiable accusations and I can't stand for it."  
  
Kennedy merely rolled her eyes and turned back to Spike. "I won't trust you. I REFUSE to trust you. What do you have to say to that?"  
  
Spike began to laugh. It wasn't his usual, pleasant, lighthearted laugh. No, this laugh was cold, and hard, and a little insane.  
  
"I say that I don't care. Not a lick. You think you're important here? You think you're so special? But in the end, if you keep acting like this, you're just another body for the First to feed on. You think you know, who you are, what's to come?"  
  
Spike walked to the door, his heavy boots pounding hard on the kitchen floor. Just before he left he turned back to look at Kennedy, and his shockingly blue eyes sent a chill down her spine.  
  
"You haven't even begun."  
~*~  
  
A/n: I'm thinking of writing a follow-up chapter where Buffy gets a little of what's coming to her. Heh heh heh. What do you think? 


	2. Karma 2

Buffy's slippered feet padded softly down the basement stairs. The noise was so faint her own ears could barely pick up the sound, but she knew he would hear. And even if he didn't, even if for once he wasn't listening for her, he would sense her. He probably sensed her the minute she had even stepped in front of the basement door.  
  
The Slayer scanned the basement for him. A man who was once her enemy, once her lover, and now hopefully her friend. She didn't see him at first, but like he could sense her, she could feel his presence. It surrounded her, warming her, making her safe. This wasn't a reaction she should have and she knew it. This wasn't always the reaction she had always had when she felt him around either. It used to be a feeling of hatred, disgust, and fear. But now it was only warmth, which was ironic due his lack of body heat.  
  
Buffy was surprised when she got to the landing at the bottom of the stairs, turned, and saw Spike sitting on the floor, a few feet away from his cot. His head was resting on his knees and he looked up at her as she got closer.  
  
"What are you doing on the floor?"  
  
Spike shrugged and stood up. "Can't sleep on the bloody cot, not for a while anyway."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because it smells of Anya and her whelp."  
  
Buffy looked at the cot's rumpled sheets and then looked back at Spike. "Are you kidding?"  
  
He smirked. "How I wish I were."  
  
"Oh," Buffy studied his face as saw a look of amusement and extreme disgust in his eyes. "Well, I'll get you some clean sheets and stuff as soon as there... you know... are any."  
  
"Don't bother," Spike told her, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. "I've had worse."  
  
"But it's not," Buffy insisted, "it's not a bother."  
  
"Hey now," he said coolly, his voice just as icy as his gaze, "wouldn't want to trouble you. I know you've got lots of important things to do. Demons to kill, holier-than-thou speeches to give-"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"You heard me, Slayer. And don't pretend like it isn't true."  
  
Buffy shook her head in shock at the vampire and narrowed her eyes questioningly. "What happened to you?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Why are you like this? The coat, the cigarettes, your accent, you think that proves anything? You think that changes anything?"  
  
Spike laughed. "It changes enough. I've got my rocks back, Slayer. I'm done having you walk all over me after everything I did for you."  
  
"I didn't ask for this, Spike. You did this all on your own. You know, after you tried to *rape* me."  
  
Her words stung. They were harsh and cold, and true. Buffy could see the effect of what she said had on him. He flinched and avoided her gaze. She always did know how to knock him down.  
  
"I'm... I didn't mean-"  
  
"No, you meant every word," Spike interrupted. "You think this is easy for me? Being here with you. Feeling you everywhere around me and wanting you all the time. You think that's easy? And then, after everything I did to try and make it right, to try and make me a better man, you knock me for it. You bloody kick me while I'm down and I'm so tired of it, Buffy."  
  
"I'm sorry, okay? I've just got a lot of stuff going on and what I said the other day..." she trailed off, knowing that what she had said to him couldn't be taken back.  
  
"Fine, just forget it, all right. Just tell me what you came down here for in the first place and then be on your merry way."  
  
"I... I wanted to talk," she admitted shyly, feeling stupid for even saying that at this point.  
  
"Talk? About what?"  
  
"Just about... what happened, when I went back through the portal. You weren't there when I was talking about it and I felt you have a right to know."  
  
Spike's face softened and he nodded understandingly. "Right, then. I'm listening."  
  
"Okay. Basically just that I had a vision of thousands of Ubervamps taking over. I think that we might have stopped that though, the other day with Andrew and everything."  
  
"And that's it?"  
  
"No... there was something else. I... I was offered power, by these shaman- y guys. The were going to put the spirit of a demon in me."  
  
"But..."  
  
"But I turned it down. I didn't take the power because I was afraid of what it would do to me."  
  
A bright smile grew across Spike's face and he began to laugh. He laughed so hard and so uncontrollably that tears sprung to his eyes.  
  
"What? What's so funny?"  
  
"You... are unbelievable!"  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"You are some kind of hypocrite, aren't you?"  
  
Buffy took a step back, confused and extremely offended. "Excuse me? What makes you say that?"  
  
Spike took a moment to control his laughter and then took a swaggering step toward the Slayer. "You can't stop going off on me about how I don't use my power. You say I'm weak, you say I weep and get wailed on. You want the demon in me to come out, to be the me who tried to kill you. And then, when the great and holy Buffy is offered the power of the demon, the same power you are telling me to bring out, you turn it down. So what, then? Are you better than that? It's okay for you to be holy and good and pure but for me to try and live with what I've done, I get punished by you. I get humiliated by you."  
  
Buffy took in what the vampire was saying to her and thought that she would cry. He was absolutely right. She couldn't make the words come to her lips but she knew he was right.  
  
"Spike, I-"  
  
"And it's not just me, either. Oh no, you can't help but go off on Willow too. It's okay for her to sink down to her lowest if it'll save YOU. You know, if it'll make YOU look good. All she wants is to keep everyone safe, yeah? But that's not good enough for you, is it? No, you would rather she be evil, but you can't give up just a little of your holier-than-thou image to protect the world. I take it back, Slayer, if ever I've said it. You are no martyr. You are a hypocrite, and a coward."  
  
"Spike..." She trailed off, wishing a thousand times in her head that she could take back what she had said a few days before. Not just to Spike, but to Willow as well. But sorry wouldn't cut it, she knew better than that.  
  
"I wish there was something I could-"  
  
"There is," he interrupted her, as he placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it.  
  
"What? What can I do?"  
  
Spike cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. "Piss off."  
TBC...  
  
~*~  
  
Okay, I'm gonna write one (maybe two) more chapters. The next one is gonna be Spike and Dawn making up (friendshippiness). I just hate seeing them all mad at each other. Anyway, please please please review!!! 


	3. Karma 3

Dawn cautiously pushed opened the door to the basement and prayed that it wouldn't creak, which of course it did. She turned and looked behind her, standing completely still for a few minutes to make sure she hadn't woken anyone. It was partly because she knew that everyone was already sleep deprived, but mostly because she didn't need to be interrogated on why she was going down to visit a "dangerous" vampire in the middle of the night. She sighed with relief when she realized it was safe for her to go, and she continued her way down the dark stairs, making sure she didn't trip and kill herself on the way down.  
  
She knew right away that he knew right away that she was there. He must have heard her coming down the stairs; her head was to tired too make her feet quiet enough to sneak up on a vampire. Not that she wanted to sneak, her intentions were perfectly clear to her... well, mostly they weren't.  
  
"Nibblet?"  
  
Dawn jumped at the sound of Spike's voice though she had been expecting it since she opened the door. She stifled her scream and groaned to relieve her frustration.  
  
"Hi," she muttered sheepishly as she began to wish she hadn't come down here at all.  
  
"What are you doing lurkin' about down here? Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddie-bye?"  
  
Dawn immediately became angered by his patronizing tone, partly because she knew she deserved better than that, party because she expected more from him. He had always treated her like an adult, like mature, capable human being. Now he was talking to her like a child and it made Dawn's blood boil.  
  
"Don't," she commanded him angrily.  
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Don't talk to me like some little kid. I'm not."  
  
Spike was taken aback by Dawn's harsh tone. He smiled weakly at her and wondered if she could even see him from where she was standing. "Sorry, pet. Didn't mean to upset you. But uh, why are you down here?"  
  
Dawn shuffled her feet uncomfortably. "I couldn't sleep."  
  
Spike immediately went into overprotective big brother mode. "Why? Dawn, is something wrong?"  
  
"No. Well, yeah, but, not wronger than things have been."  
  
"Oh," Spike understood immediately, "all right, then. Just frettin' over the latest and greatest big bad?"  
  
Dawn nodded and turned her eyes down toward her feet. "Yes."  
  
"Okay. I get it. But why did you come down here?"  
  
Dawn looked into his eyes which she could just barely see as her eyes adjusted to the lack of light. "I wasn't sure where else I should go."  
  
Spike took this in as he felt his heart warm and go out to the girl. He nodded at her sympathetically and she looked away, ashamed of her admission.  
  
"Can I turn on the light?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Dawn clicked on the dim basement light and looked at Spike who she could now see was sitting up on the cot, shoeless and shirtless with a light blue sheet rumpled up on top of him. He was smiling warmly at her and she felt her feet moving slightly forward toward him.  
  
"So... Nibblet... you didn't actually come down here to, you know, light me on fire or anything, right?"  
  
"What?" It took Dawn a long moment to realize what on earth the vampire was talking about but when it hit her she felt the pang of guilt like a sword in her gut. "Oh! No! Spike, I- I didn't- what I mean is-"  
  
Spike put up his hand and nodded once. "Don't worry about it. I get it, you're scared. That's fine by me, you're very much entitled. You just come down here to talk, then?"  
  
Dawn nodded bashfully as she began to play with her hair. Her retrogression to habits of when she was a child bothered her terribly but she couldn't seem to stop. Things between her and Spike had been so awkward since he got back. They had barely said two words to one another. Dawn knew that Spike was keeping his distance in order to be respectful, to make sure that she was comfortable. But Dawn had stayed away because she wasn't sure if it was all right for her to forgive him.  
  
"Okay then, Little Bit, we can talk about whatever you want."  
  
Dawn tried to smile but she couldn't manage for the corner of her lips to turn up into even a half-hearted smile. Instead she merely walked toward Spike and sat without a word next to the vampire who flinched ever so slightly when her hair brushed over the bare flesh of his shoulder. Dawn was too tired to notice.  
  
When she sat, Dawn pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her long, teen-aged legs. She put her head onto her knees and that's when she felt it. All the frustration, all the fear, all the hate, all of the feelings that she got from Spike's presence boiled to the surface and flowed out of Dawn in the form of salty tears.  
  
Spike just watched the girl and listened as her tired breathes quickened and turned into violent sobs. Her body shook furiously next to him and he was at a loss. He was too afraid to touch her or hug her, but felt awful about simply allowing her to sit there and cry. He settled for taking his palm and rubbing it in small circles over her back.  
  
"Hey now, love. None of that. C'mon, Nibblet, it's gonna be fine."  
  
"Don't!" She insisted as she lifted her head and looked at him with puffy red eyes. "It won't help for you to lie to me. You never have before, please don't start now."  
  
"All right," Spike agreed easily, as he continued to rub her back. "But I don't know what to tell you, then, that might make you feel better." Honestly really sucked sometimes.  
  
"Nothing can, I know that. That's not why I'm here."  
  
"Oh? Why are you then, Dawn?"  
  
"Because... God this is gonna sound so lame... because I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest in case..." she trailed of sadly as tears continued to flow furiously from her eyes.  
  
"Okay, Sweet Bit, say whatever you like."  
  
Dawn took a few deep breaths and forced her crying to at least ease up before she spoke. "Okay, I'm not really sure how to say this without making it sound awful so I'm just going to say it. I hate you. I mean, I don't hate you, but I did. I mean I really hated you. When I found out what you did to Buffy... you might as well have tried to raped me," Dawn paused for a moment when she saw how her words were affecting Spike but she knew she had to forge on.  
  
"It hurt me so much, Spike, to hear what had happened. You were... you were like my protector, my brother even. I cared about you and looked up to you so much that knowing what you did... it was betrayal like nothing that I had ever felt in my life. It burned Spike, like really, really burned. And I wanted you to die. I wanted to do it myself if I could, but you were already gone. And I hated you even more for that. See, 'cause not only had you tried to rape my sister, you left. You left me. One person in all the world who I though would always be there for me was gone... just like that. And I hated you for it.  
  
"And then it got worse, you know. I started to hate MYSELF for not completely wanting you to be gone. I was so... angry... with me... because I wasn't a hundred and ten percent angry with you and I tried to be, but I couldn't.  
  
"And then you were back. Just as fast as you were gone you were back in my life and I didn't know what to do besides threaten you. I thought if I made you know that I hated you, then that would make it true, and there would be no... shred of sympathy left for you. I thought I was some sort of horrible person for still caring about you. It killed me to know that I still cared but I did, and I do. But I hated you all the same. Maybe not for the right reasons, not completely, but I did nonetheless.  
  
"Then you started to... I don't know... grow on me again. After you came back from when... from when you were taken, I started to think that maybe it was time to move on, you know? And I saw you change right before my eyes. You were calm, and quiet, and thoughtful, and I thought that this you was okay to like. Now that you had a soul, you were... okay again? I guess. But once you started acting like an asshole again, God I was so angry. I'm still so, so," Dawn paused and took a deep, cleansing breath, "angry." She shook her head. "And the changes in you. This regression into old-Spike, it's not you now and you know it. You walk the walk and you talk the talk of this big, mean, evil, tough guy, but I can see in your eyes what the others may choose to ignore... you're not so different now then you were then. You chose to be good before you got a soul. The problem wasn't you, I don't think, the problem was us. The problem was that we didn't give you the chance to be good so you didn't be good for the sake of being good. And then I just get even angrier than I already am. I'm angry at Xander, and Will, and especially Buffy. She told me a lot about what happened between you two, not everything, but enough for me to acknowledge that what happened, it wasn't completely your fault. I mean, what you did... TRIED to do is, there's no excuse for that. I know you know that. But what I really want to know, is if it's okay for me to love you like a brother again? Is it okay for us to be close? Can I forgive you?"  
  
With that, tears flooded Dawn's eyes and Spike didn't hesitate to grab her up into his arms and hold her in a tight yet unfamiliar embrace which Dawn didn't reject. He ran his fingers through her hair in what he hoped was a somewhat comforting gesture as Dawn sobbed relentlessly onto his bare chest.  
  
"It is, Dawn. I'll tell you it is if it feels right to you because God know I never stopped caring about you. You're forgiveness means so much to me. But don't give it to me because you think it would make me feel better, give it to me if you're ready, because you're ready to forgive me. I don't deserve Buffy, I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone but if you need to do that to make you feel better, than I am more than willing to accept it."  
  
Dawn nodded. "I am. I forgive you, Spike. It's so much easier to just forgive you than to keep working so hard at hating you."  
  
Dawn cried for a few more minutes and Spike held and rocked her like a child in hopes that he might calm the girl. When the tears finally slowed and stopped, and Dawn was once again relatively calm, she pulled back and simply rested her head on Spike's shoulder.  
  
"Feel better, platelet?"  
  
"Yeah," she admitted, her voice and body tired from the strain of crying, "actually I do."  
  
"Good, glad to hear it. Is there be anything else?"  
  
"Yes," she said quietly and she breathed out, "I'm so afraid."  
  
"Oh, Sweet Bit, look, you're gonna be all right. I promise, I won't let anything happen to you ever. Neither would big sis, you know that."  
  
"No I don't. There's a lot she would do to save the world, I don't think choosing me over it is one of them."  
  
"That is NOT true. She loves you more than anything."  
  
"That doesn't change the fact that..." she paused and took a deep, chilled breath, "she won't come near me, Spike. She barely talks to me now that she's to busy with preparations for... she knows already what she would do to save the world. And I know she doesn't love me more than it. Which, I mean, I can't be angry at her for that but, I just wish..."  
  
"Dawn, listen to me, and listen good," Spike told her gently as he took her shaking hands. He looked into her eyes as he spoke, "I will protect you to the end of the world. Right? I promised your sister once and I'm promising you now. I won't let anything happen to you."  
  
Dawn smiled weakly but honestly. The feeling she got from being close to Spike again was indescribable. They had grown so close over the summer when Buffy was gone that having him not be around was more painful than she would have liked. She fell back into his arms and he held her close. He places a chaste kiss on the top of her head and she yawned loudly. Spike took note of this and he pulled back a bit.  
  
"You should get to bed, Dawn, you have school tomorrow don't you?"  
  
"Yeah but..." she trailed off as she placed her head gently on his shoulder, "I think I'd rather just stay here for a while, if that's okay."  
  
"Yeah, Nibblet, o'course that's-" but Spike found that his words were in vain, for Dawn was already fast asleep.  
  
TBC...  
  
~*~  
  
I'm so sorry this took FOREVER to update. Okay, I think two more chapters... next up... Dawn has a little talk with her school counselor. :- D Please review! 


	4. Karma 4

A/n: This takes place just after "Lies My Parents Told Me" and just before "Dirty Girls".  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Dawn stood before the dreaded office door as her apprehension pumped adrenaline through her veins. She couldn't control her fear of what she was about to say and to whom she as about to say it. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe she should just go spend an nice, relaxing lunch period outside with Kit. But Dawn knew that any kind of rationalization couldn't excuse her from what she needed to do. She wrapped her slim fingers around the door handle and pulled gently so as not to disturb any one inside.  
  
She took a step in and could already smell the various perfumes of the different secretaries flooding her nose and taking over her sense of smell. It was like dead flowers when they all came together. Like early Spring... or late fall. More like late fall, Dawn decided, since early Spring connected too closely with new life.  
  
The teen continued through the labyrinth of cubicles till she reached her destination and there was no turning back now. She had already been spotted by Principal Wood, who smiled at her half-heartedly before walking into his office and shutting the door behind himself.  
  
'God, Spike really did a number on him,' Dawn noted to herself. She hadn't seen him since the "incident" and would never have expected new-Spike to beat on him so hard. But Spike did have his reasons and well, things weren't always what they seemed.  
  
Dawn sat at the visitor's chair and cleared her throat loudly. Buffy jumped and looked up from her computer.  
  
"Dawnie, hey. What's up? Is everything all right?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh well, is it something-"  
  
"Just stop!" Dawn commanded harshly, interrupting her sister, "for the next like, five minutes you are not my sister okay?"  
  
It took a moment for Buffy to understand but when she did, she smiled warmly and nodded. "So, Dawn, what's on your mind?"  
  
Dawn took a deep, cleansing breath and began. "Okay, see, here's the thing. Some of the stuff I'm about to tell you, you're probably not gonna believe so just bear with me here.  
  
"Uh, there's been some stuff going on at home. Like, major end of the world stuff. So, as you might guess, there's a hell of a lot of tension between me and well... everyone. Everyone's on edge and everyone's afraid and stuff. It's kind of upsetting but after having a sister who's a Slayer for over six years, you get a little used to it. But it's different this time. All these girls from all over the world are shacking up at my house and well, it's just, I never get a moment alone, you know?  
  
"Anyway, it's just been kinda stressful knowing all this stuff but not being able to tell anyone who isn't already 'in the loop'. I wanna talk but I never know who to talk to. Actually, I had a really cool conversation with Spike the other night and-"  
  
"Whoa, whoa, Spike?"  
  
"Buffy!"  
  
"Right, sorry, go on."  
  
"Anyway, the thing about Spike is, he's this guy who, let's just say he was really important to me and then, things just got bad and now, things are better. And I found that they got better when I talked to him about it and so that's why I'm here... to talk... about my sister."  
  
Buffy cocked a curious brow and titled her head ever so slightly. "Oh? What about your sister?"  
  
Dawn felt the tears welling in her eyes as the sobs rose in her throat. IT was that familiar burning feeling that she knew so well but wished to god that she didn't. It was too late, however, she already put one foot in so...  
  
"I think that... sometimes I think... that she doesn't even know I'm around anymore. Like it doesn't even matter that I'm there," her tears began to fall but she continued. "I mean, that's so selfish, I know, what with everything that's going on but, I can't help but feel this way."  
  
"Dawn, that's not selfish at all, to want to be noticed."  
  
"I know, but I can't help but feel like it is. The world is about to end and I'm worried about not getting attention? It's not fair to anyone. Though I recognize that, I can't help it. I want to be loved, I want to have a hug from my sister because I may never get the chance again. This is the battle of a lifetime and we could all die or she could die or I... I probably will die but and she can't even stand to look at me, and she thinks that I don't know why."  
  
Buffy was taken aback. "Oh, and why is that?"  
  
"Because she's knows that she can't put anyone before the world. I heard her arguing with her watcher the other night. And some of the stuff she said... she was really mad because Giles tried to get Spike killed and, they said some stuff thinking that no one would hear. But I did. I didn't mean to, I wish I hadn't, but I did. She knows that she would give me up for the world and her admission of that makes her feel guilty. But I understand what she has to do. She's the fricking Slayer, nothing should come before that. But it did once, she gave her own life for me once."  
  
Buffy nodded understanding as tears threatened to fall from her own eyes. "She did."  
  
"She's a hero, you know. She's not like everyone else. She takes on so much. She-she take on the world and no can share that with her, not even a little bit. Because the power, it's just hers. It's lonely and I see the loneliness that she feels. I wish I could take some of it on. I wish I could help her but I can't. Because in the end she's always alone."  
  
Buffy wanted so badly to say something. She wanted to defend herself though she knew it wouldn't do any good. She had been told so many times that she was alone and she was so tired of it... but, she promised Dawn she would listen as a counselor, and that was exactly what she was going to do.  
  
"It's like, my sister used to be able to do this thing where she could... I don't know, turn off the Slayer. She would leave the house to patrol and as soon as she walked through the front door she was just my sister again. She would just be Buffy. But now, she doesn't have that anymore and it's just all slayer all the time and all I want is..."  
  
"What Dawn? Tell me what you want."  
  
"I just want to have my sister back, just for a little while."  
  
"Oh Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed, completely forgetting her promise as she walked to her little sister and wrapped her arms around her, "you can have me any time you want. You will always have me. For God's sake Dawn! You are me! I love you more than anything. You don't have to hold back from me ever!"  
  
"I know, Buffy, I know. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry, Dawn," Buffy cooed her sister gently as she traced circles with her finger tips on her sister's back. "Hey, you haven't been stealing again have you?"  
  
Dawn pulled back and laughed as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "No, not recently."  
  
"Okay, as long as we're not regressing into past not-good-type habits, I think we can work something out. Something not overly time consuming but-"  
  
"Buffy!" Dawn interrupted her sister preemptively stopping a possible ramble, "I get it. I do. Thank you."  
  
Buffy placed a caring hand up to her little sister's flushed cheek and shrugged. "Hey, it's what I'm here for."  
  
~*~  
  
TBC...  
  
~*~ 


	5. Karma 5

She did mean it.  
  
She did.  
  
Did she?  
  
Yes.  
  
Yes, she definitely said what she meant to say because she meant it. She never would have said something as important as that if she didn't mean every word. Maybe she didn't mean it in the way he thought she did but she did, all the same. She meant it.  
  
She loved him  
  
Loves him.  
  
Loved?  
  
It was too much. Too much to be comprehending right now, so soon after... after... everything. She was trying to understand, maybe make sense of what she just did, what she just saw, what Spike just did. How he saved the world. How now he was gone.  
  
No! It was too much, it was too hard. She wanted him to not be gone. She was glad, so glad, that the world was still here but, it just wouldn't be the same without Spike in it. And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, she hated the world for taking him from it. Not from her, but from the whole world.  
  
And she did mean it, she knew she did, she wouldn't have told Spike that she loved him if she didn't. She wasn't in love with him, no, too much had happened to him, to her, to them, for that to be true. She wasn't in love with him, but she did love him, very much. He warmed her heart, yes, that's exactly what he did when he would look at her, into her, with his deep sapphire eyes. He warmed her.  
  
And now... now it was gone.  
  
She wanted to deny it, pretend that he was on the back of the bus, hiding. She wanted to pretend that she would see his sapphire eyes again. But she wouldn't. He was gone. It made her afraid that he was gone, because she might forget.  
  
After her mother passed away, it was like everything reminded her of her mom. Every smell in the house or picture on the wall brought up a memory long forgotten. Every day was just a reminder of her mother and how she wasn't there. But then, days became weeks which became months and then, a year had passed, and it all began to fade. And it was terrifying. She wanted to be reminded of what her mother smelled like in the morning, or the expression on her face when she had done something to make her proud, or when she laughed, or when she cried. But it was simply gone. It went with time, and she was afraid, that soon, she wouldn't remember her mother at all.  
  
Was that what was going to happen to Spike? He turned to ash and it would hurt... for a while. And then, he'd simply be gone. She had nothing to remember him by, not a picture not a smell, nothing but her memory. But that wasn't enough! She wanted more, a piece of him for her to have, for her to remember. She knew he smelled of leather, but leather wasn't enough. There would be the hint of tobacco and, if you stopped and took the time to smell it, there would be a touch of blood mixed in. But there was something else.  
  
The gel he used to slick back his bleach blonde hair that would be curly if he didn't use it. But what was it? What was the brand? What was the name? What was the smell?  
  
Buffy felt her chest tightening in panic as she realized she couldn't remember his hair gel. She always knew. Especially after he had started staying in their basement, he kept some in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. She saw it every time she reached for the shaving cream. She could picture the bottle, the colors and swirly letters... but what was the name? It was too soon to forget! She didn't want to let him go. He had become too much a part of her job, a part of her life, a part of her being. She had just lost a piece of her that she could never, ever get back?  
  
How do you live without a piece of you?  
  
She knew you could. She did it every day. After Angel left... but it was different, it was in LA and it was there whenever she really needed it.  
  
She lost a piece of her when Mom died, when Tara died, hell, she even lost a little when she found out that Jonathan was dead. But somehow now, it wasn't the same. Maybe it was just because it was still so new. The loss, it was fresh death brushing against her shaking fingertips, a wound that had not yet closed. She clenched her fists and felt her nails digging into her palms and once again, she was afraid. She was afraid that her memories were already fading and that she'd let him go and he'd just be. he'd just be...  
  
Gone.  
  
Is was so simple, so still, so permanent that she hated it and she wanted to scream. She wanted to yell and scream and cry and hit and make the world know that she was pissed. Mostly she wanted him to know how she pissed she was that he was gone. How simple her anger was that the world couldn't have him anymore.  
  
She wanted him to know how angry she was so that he would know how much she meant it when she said she loved him.  
  
~*~  
  
Dawn sat in the back of the bus. She was alone. She always seemed to end up alone. But this time, it was her own choice, she wanted everyone to just be away. To be outside of her personal space. She didn't want to feel anyone or anything. Numbness was key to remaining calm, at least until it was safe to cry.  
  
Xander was crying. She saw him, sitting next to Willow a few seats ahead of her with his head in his hands. She had her arm around his back, her fingers tracing delicate circles over his shirt. Willow was trying to help but she knew, probably best of them all that when you lose your soulmate, nothing that anyone can say will make it better. That's probably why she wasn't saying anything at all. She simply sat by his side with her arm around him, letting him know that he wasn't alone.  
  
Not like Dawn.  
  
While watching Willow and Xander, she thought of Tara, and Anya, and how they were gone. Her eyes traveled slowly from the redheaded witch to the potentials- new slayers that were scattered about the bus. Some were resting, crying, tending to others, but for once, all were quiet.  
  
And Dawn's eyes fell on Kennedy, who was watching Willow sitting with Xander. She wondered what Kennedy was thinking with such an ambiguous look on her face. She looked somewhere between relieved and sad and angry, but not really any of them. Knowing Kennedy, thought Dawn, she's probably angry that Willow isn't sitting with her.  
  
Obnoxious, arrogant bitch.  
  
It wouldn't last, Dawn decided. It could never last between Kennedy and Willow. They weren't meant for each other the way Xander and Anya were or the way Tara and Willow were. And though Dawn knew that Willow was meant now to find someone knew, Kennedy wasn't it. She wasn't the one. She could never be Willow's one. But Dawn remained silent on the matter, it wasn't her place, and it would just play itself out.  
  
Dawn found herself watching Xander again as he cried. She wondered for a brief moment why he hadn't been crying before. Why he waited till hours after what had happened. Why he hadn't, like she had, broken down immediately after learning that he had lost. But she just owed it up to the trauma of everything. Of the having to cope with your entire town, your entire history being lost before you can realize, or possibly understand the loss of one person in your life. So now, he cried. It was simple, and it was painful, but it was something.  
  
It wasn't numb.  
  
Dawn found herself not being able to watch anymore. She couldn't see Xander weak. She couldn't see him unhappy or grieving, not the way he was, so she watched Giles driving for a few minutes and wondered how he was doing. He seemed... fine. But that was Giles, she had never seen him really show emotions the way her other makeshift parents did. He didn't rant or rave or cry out. He was reserved British guy and Dawn knew that she wouldn't have it any other way. To her, he wasn't human, he was above that. He was above all that emotional nonsense that normal people dealt with. He was strong, like a rock.  
  
It's how any doting daughter would think of her father.  
  
She was startled when she heard a loud, shuddering cough coming from the front of the bus. Everyone looked in that direction for a short moment before turning their attention back to whatever they were doing. It was Wood coughing so violently from the front of the bus and Dawn watched Faith cringe as if the agony were her own. She whispered a few inaudible words to the recently unemployed principal and he smiled bravely. It made Dawn like him more.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Andrew lean forward sheepishly, look into the aisle, and turned back into his seat. Dawn felt a swell of sympathy for him. He watched Anya die, and now he had no one to hold or to hold him. In the short moment in which she saw him, he had an "I want my mommy" sort of face. And Dawn couldn't help but feel sympathy. He was like a lost little boy who hopefully, with their help, was finding his way.  
  
The next person who her eyes fell upon frightened her terribly. She wanted to look away but could not. The lonely girl sitting in the mid section of the bus quietly, expressionlessly, and with an eerie calmness about her, sent a chill down Dawn's spine.  
  
She had said one word since Dawn had seen her after Sunnydale got sucked into the Hellmouth, and that was "Spike." Dawn wondered if she was missing him. She had smiled at the hole in the ground before turning and marching wordlessly onto the bus. She knew that this was her sister grieving, and that was okay. But, as childish as she knew this was, she wanted big sis to hold her, say some comforting lie, and rub little circles on her back. But instead, Dawn sat away from her, alone. Leaving big sister alone with her thoughts, probably no more pleasant than her own.  
  
Maybe...  
  
Maybe they could be alone together.  
  
Dawn stood from the seat she was sitting in in the back of the bus and found, though she barely believed it, her legs were supporting her enough so that she could walk. Even the soft rustling of her clothes brushing against the pleather-wannabe seat drew the attention, for a moment, of at least seven pairs of eyes. None of them any that she desired to see on her. Willow was still comforting Xander, Faith was still tending to Wood, Giles had to keep his eyes on the road, Buffy's mind wasn't even on the bus with them, and Anya and Spike, they were just...  
  
Gone.  
  
By the time Dawn started walking down the aisle, nobody was watching anymore. Nobody was interested, nobody cared. And Dawn was damn glad of it. She didn't want a bunch of slayers with their keener than a normal person's eyes following her as she walked, making her more self-conscious and self-aware than she already was.  
  
When she reached her sister's seat, Dawn stood beside it for a long moment, just to see if there would be a response, but nothing. Her eyes were focused on something far away in the distance. It was something that Dawn couldn't see, something that probably wasn't even there.  
  
Since Dawn found herself standing beside the seat with no reaction whatsoever from anyone, she figured she might as well sit down. Besides, her legs felt like mush and were bound to give at any moment. She sat down, and Buffy still didn't acknowledge her presence. This made her angry. This feeling that was now growing in her went beyond anger to pure and absolute fury. If nothing else, she needed right then to be recognized by her sister. At one point she had been the most important thing in Buffy's life, and now she was just another girl.  
  
Dawn hated the feeling. For the first time in her life, she didn't want to be just another girl.  
  
She was about to get up and walk back to the end of the bus when to her surprise, Buffy took her hand and squeezed it tight in a wordless, bodiless embrace. Dawn's eyes moved to Buffy's face but Buffy couldn't seem to make herself look back. Dawn didn't mind, it was enough that Buffy was showing her that she knew she was there.  
  
As far as either of the girls knew, they could have been sitting like that for hours just holding each others' hands. Hell, they could have been half way around the world by the time Dawn finally spoke.  
  
"They... they're really gone, aren't they?"  
  
Buffy didn't have to ask what she meant. She turned her head and looked at Dawn, whose usually bright green eyes, now dull from sheer exhaustion, were full of tears.  
  
"Yes," Buffy answered plainly, with a slight dip of her head. "They're gone."  
  
"Oh God," Dawn moaned, her chest tightening and her throat burning with unshed tears. Buffy squeezed her little sister's hand as reassuringly as she could in such an unsure time.  
  
"Do you think-" Dawn began, not sure if she wanted to finish her question. But she knew she had to. "Do you think it hurt? Do you think he was in a lot of pain."  
  
Buffy cocked her head to the left slightly and felt her heart aching for Dawn as she began to cry upon asking her question.  
  
"I don't... I don't think so. Knowing... knowing Spike, he wouldn't admit that it hurt even if it did. But I think, I think it was quick, for both of them."  
  
At this point, Dawn leaned her head forward against the seat in front of them and put her hands up to her face as she sobbed relentlessly into them. Buffy, overwhelmed by her unending desire to protect Dawn, wrapped her arm around her baby sister. She tightened her hold on the girl as Dawn cried into her lap.  
  
Dawn, feeling Buffy's arm around her, leaned into her sister for support. She wanted to be in control, she wanted to not being crying, but the tears were flowing from her like rivers. It hadn't been four hours since it had happened and already she felt a hole in her where Anya and Spike had been. Mostly, she felt Spike's hole. She and Anya were never all that close, and though she loved her because of her love for Xander, it just wanted the same. Her relationship with Spike. As neglected at it had been for the past year, was still something very special to her. Something that could never be replaced.  
  
And now, he was gone.  
  
"I already feel him gone, Buffy! Oh God!"  
  
"Shh..." Buffy tried to calm her sister's sobs that violently racked her entire body. "It hurts, I know."  
  
Dawn, though she was heartbroken by her fresh loss, felt comfort in Buffy's arms. It was what she wanted. She wanted to be held, to be converted, to be treated like the child she still was. Though, due to circumstances out of her control, she had been forced to mature at an early age, she was still only seventeen. She wanted to be taken care of. She still had growing up left to do that she wanted to actually live through. Now she could, and this only made her cry harder.  
  
As Buffy watched Dawn crying in her lap, her own eyes misted over. She thought of all the things that her sister had done for her over the past few years, of all the sacrifices she had made and the hardships she had endured. She was so damn strong. She lived through more than most people ever will in what technically was only three years.  
  
Buffy ran her fingers through Dawn's long, brown locks. "You are so brave, Dawnie."  
  
Dawn just held on tighter to Buffy, not sure of how to respond to that. She didn't feel brave. Especially not right then at her most vulnerable.  
  
"Dawn, I just... God, I am so... if anything had happened to you..." Buffy shook her head at her stuttering, she wanted to say the right thing. Tell Dawn how much she means to her. How much it means to her that she's on that bus with her, crying into her lap.  
  
"Dawn. You are the most important thing in the world to me. I don't know what I would have done if anything had happened to you. I love you so much."  
  
Dawn sat up, her long hair falling into her tear streaked face. She looked at Buffy, who now also had tears falling from her eyes. She wrapped her arms around the slayer's neck and held on as if her life depended on it.  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
"You're the world to me. You have no idea"  
  
Dawn's sobs continued to shake her body.  
  
"I'm sorry I've been so distant. I didn't mean to push you away. I'm so sorry, Dawnie. I just, I did what I had to do. You know that. And I know I don't have to explain it to you. If I had to do this whole thing over, I'd do it the same, I would. Except, I would have told you more, about how you're always in my thoughts, and my heart."  
  
"And him? Is he?"  
  
Buffy took a breath, calming herself. Her heart was pounding a mile a minute from the question. She didn't want to face the ramifications of her emotions showing themselves so soon after he...  
  
"Of course he's in my heart."  
  
Dawn nodded, taking this in. "Buffy?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What... what happened... just before?"  
  
Buffy didn't hesitate to answer, her pride of his bravery shining in her. "A great beam of sunlight burst from him, he was pinned in his place. The vamps dusted, girls ran. I went to his side, he said he could feel his soul, that it was really there. Oh God, and that it kinda stings. I told him to come, that he had done enough, but he said that he wasn't. He had to finish. Faith tried to get me to leave but I wouldn't. I begged him to come with me, but again, he refused. So before I left, I took his hand, let him know that I was with him. That he wouldn't be alone in this, not really. I wanted to pull him with me but... I know as well as he that he had to do this. It was for him to finish. So I... I told him..."  
  
"What?" Dawn prompted eagerly.  
  
"I told him... that I love him. I was so scared for him but I wanted him to know that-"  
  
"You meant it? Right? I mean, you, you wouldn't have said it if..."  
  
"No. I meant it. With every part of me I meant it. He... he reached a part of me that no else could ever reach or understand. And I loved him for it."  
  
"What did he say."  
  
Buffy felt tears coming to her eyes again. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "He didn't believe me."  
  
Dawn looked down and played with her the material of her shirt. What could she possibly say to that?  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It... it's okay though. I think he knows now. I think he'll just know. You know?"  
  
"How? How could he know?"  
  
Buffy shrugged, and smiled a smile that she thought Spike would appreciate as she mumbled, "his final destination."  
  
Dawn shook her head in confusion. "Huh?"  
  
Buffy laughed, again, with Spike consuming her thoughts. "Karma."  
  
~*~  
  
END  
  
~*~ 


End file.
